In this world, we tend to see our own being as our rival. 

We compete with our own kind to achieve something that we think is valuable. 

We try to surpass each other in anything. Funny that we try to go up against our own kind that have the same characteristics like ourselves. Two eyes, two ears, two hands...almost everything is the same. 

We are too consumed by the thought to be better from one another. 

To be the wealthiest. To be the smartest above all. To be the most beautiful creature. To be incredibly successful. At one point, we compare ourselves with one another and we forget the true value that we have all along in each and every one of us. 

Getting scared of being left behind, we do things that are opposite with what we believe in. Just to impress the society and to satisfy the people around us. So that we belong and accepted by the crowd. 

But the thing is, we forget that one thing. That one thing that is supposed to be our rival. That one thing that we need to compete with. That one thing that we need to conquer. 

That one thing is ourselves. 

Our 'nafs'. The major rivalry of all.

I have been struggling against myself for so long. Until today, I am still struggling against it.

It is the hardest battle I have been struggling so far.

To exceed the nafs, it is agonizingly painful. It is the inside pain that is no visible to others.

I want to be a better person. However, the route leading to it is tough. Before I am what I am today, I thought that once I have changed, I have passed through the qualifying round as a good Muslim. But turns out, there are more hurdles that I have to go through and up until now.

Leaving all the things that I used to do before is emotionally difficult.

I have to refrain myself from doing the things I always do. 

I have to resist from the things that I like.

I need to bear the thought of having the taste of pleasure of this world.

Nafs is venomous as it can destroy you in a split second.

 I feel as if it is like the ring from the Lord of the Rings. The ring possesses whoever that wears it and you can see that even the kindhearted Frodo cannot resist it and almost ruin his friendship with his best friend. Same goes like nafs. If you let it controls you, then your relationship with people around you can be affected as well. 

There are many times I stumble because I cannot control it. I feel disgust with myself for not being able to avoid it.

I regret it and I repent afterwards. However, I wonder every time I repent whether God forgives me because even I genuinely repent, there will be times in the future when the nafs takes over me and I am not strong enough to resist it. 

I am weak and vulnerable. 

That is why I really need to have a strong determination to try my best to resist any temptations because I want God to love me. 

I want Him to protect me from my nafs so that I can reach the ultimate happiness between me and Him. If my relationship with God is good, so does with the people around me. 

What I'm trying to say is everything comes from our own nafs. 

Sometimes the reason we cannot achieve want we want is because of we let our nafs gets in our way. Therefore, I will try to improve myself and fight against myself no matter how many times I fall.  

Let God judge the rest.